And then he showed up.

You know, him.

Just like that. He could have added " and it's still just as funny this time" or something, but he didn't.

Or he could have said nothing and instead just let you and your friends have a good laugh, but he didn't.

He just wanted you to know that he saw it before you did. That he discovered that treasure 

way. 

before. 

you. 

And that somehow makes him better. It makes him the winner of an imaginary internet medal. He likes to remind everyone of his superiority whenever he can.

Diagnosis: dude is an internet hipster troll.

Why is he still on your Facebook list? Why isn't he banned from seeing your Twitter feed? I'll tell you why: Because he's your cousin, or the guy who works two cubes over. The problem is that, whoever he is, he's someone who's too close to just take off your friends list without social repercussions, and not close enough that you can ask him why he has to be a total douchekabob. He's right there, sitting smugly in the can't touch this zone. It's fucking awkward.

Internet Hipsters are everywhere because it's easy to be one. I could be one right now. I just have to go on YouTube and find something great that hasn't made the rounds yet. Considering there are thousands of new uploads a day, that's not hard. And then there are blogs and articles and obscure studies that are on the verge of getting a lot of attention, all ripe for the claiming. 

All I have to do is track a few things down, grow a bit of facial hair (this will likely get easier as I move towards menopause), buy a little beret or fedora or whatever, take a picture of me holding something from a microbrewery, maybe move to a slowly gentrifying part of town, and voila! Internet hipster.

Then there's the know-it-all version. You might recognize them as the people who Google everything everyone posts to check its validity. Look, I am 100% in favour of the facts. But I have accidentally posted a couple of things that aren't factual, as have many other people I know. This happens, and I sure am grateful for places like Snopes that take the time to 4-1-1 this shit. I usually check too, but sometimes I forget. So I'm glad when someone points out the fake stuff.

But when I'm in that position, I do it like this:

Hey, so as it turns out, bread made into croutons died from natural causes first, and did not suffer in the drying/chopping/roasting process like this article suggests. You can read about it here.

And not like this:

THAT IS FALSE.

Tact, people. Use some tact. A few extra words go a long way.

I used to get annoyed and/or embarrassed by these people. If their comments were directed at me and I was having a bad day, my insecurities would flare up. If they were directed at my friends, I would get a serious case of bitch face. 

But then, one day, I stepped back and thought about it.

If someone has no tact, chances are they're pretty lonely. I'm not pretty lonely. But sometimes I get things wrong on the internet or I'm late to the viral party. I think I'm coming out ahead on this one.

But in case my lack of speediness or facts bothers you, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I missed 6 hours of online time 5 months ago when the Mexican donkey first went viral and/or I didn't check to see if that pumpernickel was truly free range before it was slaughtered and lightly tossed into a salad. It totally sucks when having a life gets in the way of my internet. Maybe I should try and keep up with the times a little more, like you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a cool hat to wear. Well, not cool right now, but something that's going to be cool in a few months so mine can look all worn and have been in a few profile pictures before you even buy yours.