Why Your Baby is Like A Bad Ex-Boyfriend

January 21, 2013 The Maven

Spawnling, circa 2007

Two friends of mine have had babies in the last month.

Well, one is a close friend and one is a person I stalk on social media sites who will become my friend once we move to Kanata. I've made it abundantly clear she doesn't have a say in the matter (she doesn't seem nearly as concerned about this as she should be, but that's fine. Let ignorance reign for a little while longer.)

Anyway, these babies are behaving badly. One refuses to gain weight in a manner that helps those around her feel comfortable, and the other was hospitalized at less than a week old with an infection. Not cool, mini humans. Not cool.

A few days ago I wrote an email to the person I'm ~~stalking~~ befriending, and told her flat out that babies can be jerks sometimes. She apparently had a good chuckle over this. I'm glad I could make her laugh, but she clearly doesn't understand how true that statement is. Babies can be jerks, much like the quarterback in every 80's high school movie or that guy you dated in high school; in fact, exactly like that. And if you don't believe me, here's a handy dandy quiz based heavily on science and a strong knowledge of popular 80's films. I'm about to prove you wrong and myself incredibly right. Here we go:

IS YOUR BABY LIKE A BAD EX-BOYFRIEND*?

Is your baby gorgeous?

A) Yes. Clearly. Hi, have you seen me?

B) Only to relatives.

C) No. Can you believe it? Oh, wait. That's a fern. Fuck, I'm tired.

Is your baby a poor conversationalist?

A) Yes. I've forgotten what words with multiple syllables sound like.

B) Does colic count as conversation?

C) Convuh-sashi-what? Coffee, bitch. Now.

Does your baby do nothing but eat, sleep and have you clean up after her?

A) Yes. God, yes.

B) No. Haha, kidding. YES.

C) Please stop. I'm getting depressed.

Does your baby demand all of your attention all of the time?

A) Is there such a thing as a time vampire? Because I'm pretty sure I grew one.

B) I'm pretty sure if my baby could text I'd have to change my phone number.

C) No. My baby is very easygoing. Oh, wait. This is a fern... OMG WHERE'S MY BABY?

When you're at your absolute limit, does your baby flash you a smile?

A) Sigh. Yes. And then I remember it's all worthwhile.

B) No, but I'm holding tight to the promise that she will. Any day now. Any. Freaking. Day...

C) Really. Any day. Just have to keep...staring... hard.

Does your baby whine until he gets to touch your boobies?

A) Yes. All the time.

B) No, but only because he doesn't know about boobies. (Don't you dare tell him.)

C) Not only that, but I bet if he could talk he'd tell all his buddies about it.

BOOM!

Game, set, match.

*Not to be one to discriminate, I should state that this would also apply to many ex-girlfriends too. Not that I've ever had one, but I'm pretty sure she would have texted me a lot and left her empty chip bags around as much as a dude.