Step 1. Crawl out of bed for the eleventeeth time and pick up teething, screaming baby.

Step 2. Put screaming baby down for a minute so your arms are free.

Step 3. After you realize Step 2 is totally not going to work, pick up screaming baby. If you can't locate sling, find another way to magically hold baby while keeping both arms free. 

Step 4. Think twice and place duct tape back in drawer. That is not an acceptable way to affix a baby to ones body. Make peace with the fact that you're just going to do this shit one-handed like everything else lately.

Step 5. Reach into cupboard and grab your favourite coffee. Being as tired as you are, your "favourite coffee" is probably whichever one you grabbed first.

Step 6. Swear a few times when you realize it's whole bean. 

Step 7. Apologize to baby for swearing, even thought he probably couldn't hear you over his own screams. Consider not telling people how often you swear around your infant.

Step 8. Take out bean grinder. Pour in beans. Press start.

Step 9. Wait.

Step 10. Keep waiting.

Step 11. Hit side of grinder and mutter something about how cheaply-produced kitchen appliances are these days.  

Step 12. Release second string of profanities. Sigh deeply. Remove beans from juicer. Place in actual grinder.

Step 13. Bounce sad baby on your hip and sing some half-baked song about whales who's lyrics you can't quite remember because Dracula Jr.'s incisors were growing last night and you're really too tired for this shit.

Step 14. Search through every f-ing cupboard trying to find filters. 

Step 15. Grab paper towel. Place inside coffee maker basket. Hum Beverly Hillbillies theme song.

Step 16. Carefully measure out 1.5 tablespoons of freshly ground coff-- shit. Grab spoon out of Dracula's hand. Wash any visible coffee grounds out of his mouth while holding him over sink. Reminisce about how simple things were before your vagina gave life. Carefully measure out 1.5 tablespoons of freshly ground coffee and place in paper towel filter.

Step 17. Put in 2 cups of water. Press start. Wait for near-orgasmic brewing sounds.

Step 18. Turn machine on. Repeat step 17. Go check what's on TV.

Step 19. Scream louder than Screaming Dracula Baby when you return to kitchen and find coffee all over the counter, all over the floor, all over the dog, and all over your crushed hopes and dreams of a peaceful morning.

Step 20. Unplug machine. Glare at coffee pot sitting on opposite counter. Glare at Screaming Dracula Baby. Glare at now very excited dog.

Step 21. Throw hands available hand up in the air.

Step 22. Grab car keys. Walk outside in slippers. Place baby in car seat. 

Step 23. Make your way to nearest drive-thru. Order largest cup size available while baby finally falls asleep. Enjoy the best cup of coffee ever.