Ah, germs! Back-to-school time is overrun with the little bastards, finding their way into our bodies and taking a baseball bat to the ol' immune system. And even worse, if your very young child is in any sort of activity that involves other young children, you get the best of the best of the best of the germs, sir.

The question on every new, overprotective parent's mind is, how do I know if my child is sick? Well, let me show you!

(And if that's not on your mind, pretend it is so that I know I didn't go through the trouble of writing this primer for nothing, ok? I slaved over this artwork, people. And sure, it looks a lot like the work from my tantrum post, but that's because I saved the egghead shape from that last series of child drawings I made. The rest is custom designed for this post, baby. Don't say I never do anything for you.)




Look! I made a girl child this time. Are you happy? I fully understand that not everyone only makes boy babies like Geekster and I. I'm not bitter, and to prove it I made Little Sally. In this picture, she's quite healthy. Look at that glow! Isn't she adorable? She looks kind of like I did when I was little. Come to think of it, she probably looks a lot like what my girl children would have looked like if my husband hadn't locked the X chromosome sperm up in his Tower of London for all of eternity.

But, uh, anyway. Not bitter, like, at all. Incidentally, Sally has one of those obnoxious bow things on her head that screams "Look at me! I may seem gender-neutral right now, but my mommy gets to dress me in lots and lots of pink! My clothing department is twice the size as the one you get to shop in for your stinky boy babies. Neener!"




Incidentally, the name of this section is also the name of my favourite Coldplay song. Not that you care.

Little Sally isn't looking so hot right now. She's still rocking the bow, but her eyes are a little fatigued.  She's not smiling as much as she usually does, either. Displaying signs of poor behaviour is another symptom of illness. So, if Barbie's head finds its way into your coffee cup while Sally grins evilly from behind the couch, do NOT panic: she may be possessed by a virus (it's like a demon, but smaller). This is the time to keep an eye on things and see how she is in the morning.



If Sally wakes up looking like she just stuffed Jabba the Hutt up into her sinuses, you could be dealing with the common cold. This isn't dangerous for most people, but it is gross. The younger the child is, the more disgusting a cold becomes. Boogers are eaten, sleeves are smeared, spittle shall be gratuitously coughed everywhere and anywhere but mostly into your open mouth.

If you're at home with your kids anyway, giving them a day or two to rest would be nice at this point. But if you need to cling tightly to those work-allotted sick days, now is probably not the time to use them.



If your child was a planet, then National Geographic would be having a field day right now with all the global warming going on. Little Sally is hot -- and not in that creepy wrong way that lands people in jail. She's actually hot to the touch with fever.  Look: her obnoxious little headband thingy is sizzling away on her head. Tragic!

Sally's immune system is being attacked hardcore and is doing its best to fight it off. This could be nothing but a viral infection making its way through, or it could be a sign of something bacterial in nature. But until you have symptoms, it's wait and see. Keep her at home, throw on some Dora to make her happy. Then, go into the other room and pop some codeine so you can deal with Dora's loud, annoying voice.  It's okay, we'll understand.


Uh oh! Sally's fever is gone, but now she's covered in -- is that your brand new $35 lipstick? -- no, but you shouldn't spend that much money on makeup anyway. It's wasteful. Shame on you. Go sponsor a hungry child or something.

Sally has a rash on her sweet little face. Is it something mild, like roseola? Does it pack more of a punch, like chicken pox? There's no way of knowing right now. There is a very easy way of identifying chicken pox that we'll cover in section 7.

At this point, you couldn't even bring Sally out of the house if you wanted to because she's too easily identifiable as a carrier monkey. Heck, whether or not she's contagious is irrelevant at this point; she looks contagious, and that's all it takes. If you bring her into a grocery store pandemonium will ensue. People will drop their produce and take off at a dead run. Some will smash their way through windows if they have to. Women will fall to their knees in prayer to whatever saint will grant them immunity from the pestilence which has now surely tainted the supermarket.

For your peace of mind and Sally's future therapy bills, I would recommend staying home.


Puke. Barf. Spew. Vomit. Upchucks. Blowing chunks. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself, Little Sally. Stomach bugs are really contagious and really unpleasant. If you have one, please stay far, far away from everybody else. We don't want it, we don't need it, and it will not help us build immunity toward the next bug.

Did you know that having a stomach virus only gives you partial immunity for about six months until the virus mutates? Did you know that adults are contagious for up to 1 week after they stop showing symptoms, but that kids are contagious for up to 2 weeks after? That knowledge is my gift to you. That being said, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone quarantining their gremlins for 2 weeks after a stomach bug. Heck, I know all about this stuff I don't do it. Do you want me to go absolutely insane? Because it would happen much sooner than 2 weeks in, let me tell you. That's why mommy hand sanitizer in her purse. It's my societal compromise.




Break out the calamine lotion. And maybe some shake n' bake.

I hope this primer was helpful in some way. Please let me know if you have any questions. As I'm sure you can tell, I'm very well-researched and extremely fact-based.

Thank you.