I was in the grocery store aisle, staring at all the school snacks in their enviro-rape packaging. My eyes quickly gravitated toward the Bear Paws. Just then, a very beautiful, very young and very thin woman parked her cart behind mine and came over to make her selections.

How on earth are people so thin? I thought to myself. She probably breathes in the steam from a bag of microwave popcorn and considers it a meal.

'I know, right? What on earth do you pick?' I casually asked. If I were a guy and picking up girls, I would have no problems striking up a conversation. The gift of gab is something I can work with. The spare tire and ridiculous outbursts of laughter would likely not score me a phone number, however.

'I'm thinking Bear Paws because they're on sale,' she contemplated. 'But which ones?'

Bear Paws? I know Bear Paws! My kids eat far too many of those! We've tried every flavour! I'm going to show off my wisdom so the pretty girl will want to be my friend, which make this shopping trip the anti-schoolyard of my life.

'Well,' I began with an air of confidence. 'My kids love the ones with chocolate chips.'

'Oh. Um,' she replied apprehensively. 'I'm trying to keep the kids away from chocolate for the most part.'

Oh, no! Red alert! Abort! Abort! She's one of those people. Act quick, Maven, or she'll make you look really bad!

'Yeah, me too. We're trying to gravitate away from all that stuff, too... I mean, more than usual.'

There! Good one. You just made it look so casual. You're so smooth you practically exhale silk.

She nodded her head. 'Exactly! I mean, they still have Easter chocolate so it's not like they need anything else. Right?'

Do not let your jaw drop. Do not let yourself ask how on earth the pod mother manages to maintain a store of springtime chocolate for her alien tentacle children when it's freaking October. Obviously they're feeding on the brains of innocent victims - likely prostitutes or the homeless because they would go practically unnoticed - and therefore, unlike you, they don't need chocolate to survive. Just let it go and walk away before she sticks her forked tongue through your eye socket.

But I just couldn't let it go. At the risk of losing my cerebellum, I watched her take the molasses flavoured Bear Paws off the store shelf and, just before she could put them in her cart, asked: 'Have you checked the sugar level of those? I think it's quite high.'

She flipped the box over and had a look at the side panel. Throwing me a sideways glance, she then grabbed a couple of other flavours and looked them over, too.

'You may find,' I casually mentioned 'that the "baked apple" variety has the lowest sugar content, but that "chocolate chip" isn't that much worse. In fact, it's better than most.'

'Interesting. Thank you!' she said.

She took the baked apple and not the chocolate chip. But you know what? I'm pretty great.

I then spent the next few minutes burying the junk food purchased from the following aisle underneath the fresh produce and whole grain cereals in my cart. Can't let the skinny otherworldly entity see that I just bought my kids a bag of M&Ms. She could consider me a lost cause and give me a lobotomy in the parking lot.

Can't be too careful.

(This post is dedicated to Liliane, AKA the Guilt Goddess, who is always good at poking a little fun at others with. Yesterday, her and Jason received the news that their dear little Jacob is CANCER-FREE! Congratulations, you guys!)