See that picture? That is what I served my children mid-week because I was too tired/lazy/busy watching Dr. Phil to cook them anything wholesome. It's a fried egg inside a grilled cheese sandwich with a handful of chips and topped off with what I like to call 'guilt grapes' - you have to serve everything a fruit or vegetable, you know.

This week I was called a 'good mom' twelve times, give or take. I didn't actually count, obviously. I do have other things to do, like not mopping floors and not putting laundry away. I'm a very busy Maven.

Every single time someone says 'You're such a good mom, Maven!' I laugh. And then they say 'I'm serious! You really are!' and I laugh some more. It's an uncomfortable laugh, like the laugh I give crazies; sort of like if they just told me I'm purple with glorious gold striping.

Some would say I'm a great parent because I've sacrificed a lot in the name of my children. But I don't see it that way. Who needs silly old school or oodles of job seniority anyway? Stability is for suckers and people who plan too much. So what if I've never crossed an ocean? Or been someplace where snow is an impossibility? Do I look like someone who wants to see the eye of a hurricane? I think not. And the debt? Well, that's just a natural part of being on one income, isn't it? We have enough debt right now that it could actually be considered a modest year's anti-salary. Somewhere in the karmic world, a person just managed to get a mortgage because of my decision to stay home for twelve years and herd the gremlins. You're welcome.

Sure, there are things I do which are above and beyond what the typical parent does. There's the extended breastfeeding, for example, which I'm very pleased I did. And other than Gutsy's chronic pneumonia problem and Spawnling's itsy bitsy bout of Kawasaki Disease less than a month after I weaned him, I think that went off without a hitch, don't you? And all that being home with them full-time has really paid off; I only get called 'stupid' by my toddler a handful of times every day: A true sign of the respect he's learned from our days together. And Gutsy waits a whole two weeks into July before letting me know how bored he is and how school is way more fun than I am.

Of course, we also can't forget all those healthy vegetarian meals I cook for them...

...Er, never mind.

Despite my best efforts, I've had to hand in my cape and admit that I am nothing more than a mediocre mom. It's not such a bad thing, really. It's a lot like being a plus-sized girl. You have to get up every morning and say 'Today, I will be the best darn fat chick and/or mediocre parent I can be!' and own it, just like that. Claim the title and strut proudly. Work with what you've got.

However, try as I might, I can't seem to get the general populace to accept my imperfections. They're obviously blinded by my overall greatness as a human being and it's left them confused. I understand it's difficult to view me as anything other than perfect. This is why I posted the incriminating photograph. Now everyone can see for themselves that I am not who they think I am. I mean, just look at that picture.

A super parent would have put way more grapes on that plate.