Today's Parent had an interesting article in their May 2009 issue in which it compared motherhood in the 80's to its current standard. I showed it to Geekster late last night as we were lying in bed trying to sleep but too wired on the store brand equivalent of Coke Zero (who says we're getting old?) We then got into a deep discussion about the fundamental changes in family life and whether or not they're a good thing.

I, of course, am full of opinions. And other stuff, but I digress. Having run the mom circuit for over twelve years, I've seen and experienced a lot. *Waving my cane around wildly*

First of all, the article states that women in Canada are having fewer children now than in the 80's. In 1981 women averaged 1.4 children each. That's maybe one baby with an extra head and three limbs. In 2006 it was 1.1 - Would you say that's the equivalent of a bouncing baby with two stomachs and a spare eye?

I, myself, prefer to have whole children. It's a personal choice. And I had three of them. I would like to think I saved nearly two other women the trouble and expense of raising their 1.1 children. You're welcome.

Moms are also getting older. The average first time mother in 1986 was 27 years old. Three years ago she was 29.3.

I'm sorry. I just have to ask the general population: Are you saying some of you want to start having children older on purpose?

Look. I've popped out wailing gremlins at 20, 26 and 30 and have had time to reflect on the pros and cons of motherhood at various ages. Let me tell you, there was an enormous difference in my energy levels between the start and the end of that decade. Getting three hours of sleep at 21 is not like getting the same amount at 31. This came to light on the day when I was trying to mainline the pot of coffee directly into my forearm with a whittled straw. The other thing I noticed? Surprise, surprise: I was less fertile as the years went on. Imagine that: the older I get, the less my body wants to make babies. Isn't that strange? What a concept! Is anyone studying this phenomenon?

I'm not advocating that every girl fresh out of high school should get knocked up - in fact, I would be the first to slap on some wings and run through the campus playing 'condom fairy', as I recognize that maturity plays a big role in our ability to parent - but I do think this idea that millions of years of biological evolution will gladly bend to our desire to get Ph.Ds and steady government jobs before having kids is out of line. It is good that we're more educated and not poverty stricken, but at the same time we don't have to wait until we have the hybrid Lexus and McMansion before we're 'stable enough' to breed.

The average marrying age is creeping up as well. We're now over 29 when we tie the knot. Then, most everyone I speak to says 'We need a few years as a married couple before we start having children.'

Pardon? Did you not live together for six years before getting married, go on at least two vacations every twelve months, buy a house, pay bills, purchase furniture and cook for each other? Did you not figure out that he leaves his dirty socks in a pile next to the bed until after your special day, or that he really only watches Grey's Anatomy with you because it makes you a little horny?

That's right, I forgot. Getting married changes everything. Must be the magical rings of Gondor you're now sporting. Go frolic in the fields, little Hobbits. Far be it for me to judge. We sort of did things backwards anyway: baby, marriage, house. We didn't follow the script, exactly. I like to call it 'creative licensing.'

There were some other interesting finds in the article that you can peruse, but one thing that really caught my eye - which seems to only be found in the print version of the story - was this:

By tallying up all the unpaid work a mother does, the Powers That Be have decreed a working mother is worth an additional $68,405 US, while a stay-at-home-mom (that would be me) should be earning a whopping $116,805 US.

I closed the magazine feeling rather pleased with myself. I smirked, even, and patted myself on the back.

And then I realized the unfortunate reality of the situation: I may be worth a lot, but I don't get paid a dime. Meanwhile, a working mom might be missing out on nearly 70K, but at least she still gets a paycheque.

No wonder most of us go to work. Now I feel like a sucker.

***

I say all of these things in jest, of course. I don't care if you have babies at 18 or 88. I don't care if you get married, don't get married, get married five times or marry a donkey. I don't care if you go to work, play hooky from work, or hook at work for that matter. I just want my $116, 805 x 12. Imagine the happiness I could buy with that.