I really need to start exercising again. Once upon a pre-Spawnling, I ran 4km every day. Now I can run about a block before I'm huffing my asthma pump like a giant wussy girl.

I used to do yoga. Now my stretching involves reaching the top cupboard to grab a bag of chips.

I used to lift weights. Now I lift handfuls of peanut M&Ms.

I used to do pilates with weighted balls. Now the only balls I touch are... *ahem*

Never mind that.

I've lost 12 pounds. It used to be 14, but now it's 12. How did I gain back two pounds?

Don't be daft. That was a rhetorical question.

The truth is, I've been slacking. In my warped little mind (key word: little) I've convinced myself that eating vegetarian is all I need to do if I want to be healthy. What I've also told myself is that most candy is vegetarian, so it's okay to eat it. A lot of it. Maybe too much of it.

Okay, okay. Definitely too much of it.

In another attempt at denial and self-destruction, I've concluded that exercise isn't necessary when you're living a balanced vegetarian lifestyle (key word: balanced). About the only balancing going on is the neat trick I do where I have a bowl of buttery popcorn on one knee and a bag of Reese's Pieces on the other.

Well no more, people. No more. For I have some excellent motivation.

The Butler Did It hooked me up with a pair of gorgeous grey chords. They were free, which makes them even nicer. All I had to do was show up at her place and raid her closet to get some sweet hookups. The only problem? They're a little snug. Not a lot, but I may be tresspassing somewat into Camel Toe Village. This is an unacceptable crime. I must turn and walk away from the village, leaving all camels and their toes there.

So, I shall set a goal of five pounds. That would be lost, not gained, just so we're clear. Five pounds down in one month. It will be a tricky task, fraught with birthday cakes (two gremlin birthdays in that time period) and Christmas goodies. But I shall persevere, in the name of sexy grey cords. I will be a smoking hot bitch who camels run away from because they're so ugly next to her. My husband will say 'Hellooooo, nurse!' even though I am not in the medical profession. People will envy my motivation and tell me how awesome I am again, because quite frankly the fact that I'm vegetarian isn't earning me kudos anymore. Nobody cares because it's old news. I have to up the ante again and make more changes so that I can get compliments again. How unfair and somewhat attention-whorish of me.

I think five pounds is a very reasonable goal. I just need to start moving again. Walking, pilate-ing and all that other stuff I'm going to dread doing every morning.

Thank goodness coffee is a diet food, even with cream in it.

Yes, even with cream.

We're going to make a special exception, alright? Don't argue with me.

Stop looking at me like that. Don't roll your eyes.

I mean it; i'll beat you with my new cords.