This, of course, is part I. You want that part first, because the plot is so intricate that it would be nearly impossible to follow along from this point; another fine example of my excellent writing capabilities.

But I digress...


The last time we left our heroine, she was knee-deep in magical spells, unable to break the shackles of forgetfulness and thrush infections. Her thighs were the width of one of those pylons on the highway with the orange and black stripes, and her IQ rivaled that of an elderly chicken.

Just when she was about to stoop to a new low and become a Jerry Springer viewer, she was handed a secret note by a cloaked, pixie-like figure.

Great hair, thought the Princess. And she looks like she's super skinny under that robe-thingy she's wearing. What a bitch. I'm so burning this letter.

But just before she could go into her chambers and cast it into the fire, one of the minions of darkness (by this point, there were three clouding her mind and crowding her and the Prince's bed at odd hours of the night) came outside to ask for a sippy cup of oxen blood. The stranger vanished as quickly as she had appeared, squealing the tires of her silver minicoach as she peeled over the moat bridge. The Princess stuffed the letter into her faded granny panties, smiled dedicatedly, and shuffled her way into the kitchen to serve Those Who Must Be Waited Upon.


Later that night, after tucking the gremlin-like creatures of darkness guys into bed, the exhausted Princess with grey roots carefully removed the letter from her mystical Granny Panties of Holding and looked at its waxed seal. On it was an image of a shopping bag filled with non-essential objects like pretty shoes and a ThyPod. In the back of her mind, the Princess remembered pretty shoes. And she had heard of the music-playing ThyPod, but always dismissed it as an unnecessary gadget contriburing to the breakdown of the kingdom's social graces and a materialistic stepping stone to global warming.

... And yet, now, at this very moment, it looked rather... neat. Like she could use it to dance around in sillouette or something.

Intrigued by these strangely familiar images, she broke the seal of the envelope, unfolded the perfume-smelling parchment paper, and read its contents:

Dear friend,

If you are reading this it is because you are in grave danger. The creatures you live with are not what they appear to be. Please meet us for coffee and treats to discuss.

8PM (you may have to get a sitter) on Wednesday (which is Scouts night so you may have to work out carpooling) of this week (short notice, but next week has the season finale of Lost and some of us don't have PVRs)

Discreetly,
T.H.O.N.G.

The acronym was written with a mix of blue and pink glitter glue. It was really pretty, actually. But who was T.H.O.N.G. and why were they attempting to infiltrate the Princess' perfect little world? What were they trying to say about her family of adorable little horned beasts? And besides, she didn't have anything to wear to something like that. Coffee and treats? That was pretty high class stuff compared to her regular outings to Ye Olde Playgroupe on Thursday mornings. Her sensible eldery chicken side was thinking a Wednesday night on the couch sounded a lot better than putting in all that effort.


Surprising even herself, the Princess decided to sneak out of the palace Wednesday evening after dark. While gently filing down her little minions' fangs before bed, the littlest one sniffed the air. Spawnling looked quizzically at the Princess "Mother, is.. is that... excitement I smell?" The other two beasts shifted uncomfortably at the thought.

Flustered, the Princess gave a nervous laugh. " Excitement? Goodness gracious, my little ones! When was the last time you saw me excited about anything other than your continous stream of accomplishments?"

The minions of the depths high-fived each other as they remembered all the awesome stuff they did and how their mother was there for every single one of them, often with containers of home-baked goods for all their friends. It was then, however, that the oldest and wisest of them noticed something new. "Mother," asked Intrepid suspiciously, "is that lipstick your wearing? Are you... are you going out somewhere? You're not going somewhere without us, are you?"

"You wouldn't do that to us, would you, Mother?" Gutsy, the second in command asked with tears in his eyes. The three little creatures swarmed around their mother, ready to pounce on her legs in a fit of tears and protests at any moment.

"No! No, of course not. Where would I go? I mean, really! When do I ever go anywhere without you beautiful boys? I wouldn't even know how to get to somewhere other than the school, the grocery store or the park. Come on, silly ones. Let's get you into bed."

"Well, alright." said the creature, Intrepid. "Just remember how much we love you and how much we mean to you. Oh, and you might want to catch up on my favourite show tonight while I'm sleeping so we'll have something to talk about tomorrow when I get home" And with that, the Princess ushered them into bed, careful to wipe from her lips any visual trace of her attempt to flee the palace for a few hours.

Then, when all was quiet (after another pee break from Gutsy, an extra blanket brought up for Intrepid and two stories and a boob for Spawnling) the Princess that was once the Girl who was once upon a very long time ago the Smart, Beautiful and Terribly Popular Girl, snuck off the castle grounds and embarked on an adventure of peril and calories.

... But where would this lead her? What would she learn from T.H.O.N.G.? Would she be the fattest girl the room? Would she have the nicest hair? Would they have chocolate there? Would she feel confident enough to eat it?

Stay tuned for the final harrowing chapter tomorrow.


(Sorry, I actually thought this would be shorter... Apparently I like to write really lame fiction.)