I survived a trip to one of those warehouse membership places with three children today and did not come home to eat my feelings. In fact, about the worst thing I bought was 100 calorie ice cream treats and some low fat microwaveable popcorn. I mean, come on. Am I good or what?

When the girl at the cash told me how cute my boys were, I told her I was contemplating having them stuffed. All the cute, no noise. She laughed a little too nervously. I should have told her to put the lotion on its skin before it gets the hose again. That would have made my Friday.

Current weight: 246. That's a total of 6lbs down so far! I kind of what to celebrate, but with what? I don't drink, do drugs, smoke or eat bad things. What is left? Pouring a champagne glass of water would be about as fun as stabbing at my eye sockets. Maybe I'll do something diet. Will Coke Zero burn through my crystal wine glasses as quickly as it will, say, my intestines? I'm crossing my fingers that it will have ravaged my brain before I can give it too much thought.

Before going on the shopping survival training exercise we stopped in at the chiropractor's. It's my turn to get some adjustments. I was a little skeptical, but I feel better now. I had to see if she was dangerous first by letting her work on my children, Guinea Pig and Lab Rat... uh, I mean Spawnling and Intrepid. They seem okay so she can touch my back now.

Before the intial consultation I had to provide her with a bunch of information. Included was a pre-drawn sketch of the human body where the patient should place specific patterns where he or she feels pain, discomfort, tingling or numbness.

I was nice enough to include arrows leading from several parts of the body where I had drawn a patterns, to new locations on the paper where I then drew additional patterns. My chiropractor's response to my artistic interpretation was very politically correct: "Hmm. You have a lot going on with you..."

And she's not even inside my head. A peek in there would drive the childless insane.

Meanwhile, my patience was wearing thin as the gremlins spewed destruction throughout the waiting room, down the hall and into the examination rooms. No, not only mine. Other vacant and even not-so-vacant rooms as well. More specifically, Spawnling ravaged the toys and slammed doors while spreading forth his pestilence in the form of a vile runny nose.

So sweet, my boy is.

"Spawnling has a lot going on with him, too" said the Chiro. She can make anything sound okay, you know that? No wonder she makes the big bucks.

When an elderly woman with a cane and previous nursery school experience offers to occupy him (code for "contain the demon wreckage to a single area") while I get my exam, you know it's time to line up some child care for the next time.

Now I'm hoping that no one who reads my blog would also be someone I would call upon for childcare. I will deny all of this if they ask me. Every single word. One of my many superpowers is the power to edit my own posts.

I'll admit I'm a bit spoiled. I have a husband who can work from home sometimes and thus my childcare problems are normally nil. However, he's currently geeking out at a conference downtown and couldn't possibly miss all the nerdy talks. Things like: Choosing the right decals for your pocket protector, Who knew cell phones are also for getting girls' numbers?, and why stripes and plaid should not be worn simultaneously.

You know, all the important stuff.

Tonight I go to my 12 Step meeting. I fully plan on grabbing an extra large coffee, hold the donut. I must stay on track, people! I'm looking forward to being one of those skinny bitches we all hate so much. I think it would be a neat experience to envy myself for a change. Would I make myself cry at the sight of me? Would I tell myself I'm so unhappy I can't eat? Maybe that all I have is my svelte body because my husband is planning on leaving me for the 20-something Intel recruiter at the conference?

Oh, and to answer a popular question: Did Richard Simmons have an aftertaste? Yes. He tasted like sweaty man short-shorts. *shudder*