1. Let your toddler drink beer. And worse yet, in front of complete strangers. And when said toddler is chugging back the beer and strangers are mortified and comment on it, do not say 'Oh, he drinks it all the time' followed by 'you should see him when he doesn't get his morning coffee!' and apparently not be joking in the slightest.

2. Be a mom who sends her very adorable, blond, blue-eyed, young daughter to the park all by herself, obviously attention-starved, who then proceeds to converse with an obviously friendly (and attractive, and intelligent, with great kids) stranger and shares her entire life story, complete with how her mommy got some grillz for her birthday. 'Jewels for her teeth! They're SO pretty!'

3. Be shocked when said stranger has to wipe the sand off her fallen jaw at the thought of a six-ish-year-old knowing what a grill is and defining it as "pretty".

4. When there is a drive-through bank machine with a very apparent 'ONE WAY' sign and 'DO NOT ENTER' signs posted, do NOT turn in the wrong way in front of a minivan headed to the machine in the right direction just so that your passenger faces said machine. Furthermore, it is not recommended to do such a poor job of this illegal maneuver that your passenger has to get out of your SUV anyway, completely defeating the purpose of a drive-through bank machine. It is a good idea to avoid all eye contact with the somewhat annoyed but mostly dumbfounded minivan driver as she waits for what seems like an eternity to use the machine she was technically in line for first. Just sit there and smoke your nasty cigarette in your nasty-smelling SUV with your nasty windows all rolled up, hopefully not imprisoning any child passengers in your nasty second-hand toxins.

5. But I'm not bitter or anything.