I live just across the river from Ottawa in the province of Quebec. For those not in the know, it's pretty french in Quebec. Sometimes militantly so, but thankfully not here. Far too many people in this area depend on the maudit anglais for jobs on the Ontario side, so they're usually fairly accomodating.

Regardless, I'm fully bilingual. It's part of how perfect I am. I'd be trilingual, but that might involve me having to learn a language because I want to, not because I'm forced to. See, I learned to speak french (well, Quebec french, which is a whole other language in itself, to be honest) because I had to go to a french school. Place one little english girl in a school where she can't speak to the other children and she will quickly learn to do so in order to stop being harrassed out of her lunch money.

The funny thing about the businesses in the area is that, while a lot of the owners and employees speak passable english, the written translations are often horrible. This week I've come across a couple of keepers I'd like to share.

From a realtor's advertisement:

If you are planning to buy or to sell a property in the Gatineau area, I will be please to be your personnal Real Estate Agent.

Ok, minor typos there. These are fairly typical french-to-english issues. He forgot the 'd' at the end of pleased and added an 'n' in 'personal'. I'd be please to translate for him in the future. I think I could make a decent living at it around here.

Also from the same ad:

It does not matter where you live or the area you are planning to move, call me and I will give you advices.

Forgetting that the entire sentence is grammatically incorrect, I'm please(d) to see that he wants to give not one advice, but several. That's a generous offer, considering that in other situations, like a psychic hotline, you normally only get one question free and can't ask a bunch of advices all at once.

I was in tears laughing at the breakfast menu on Friday while out with The Sister. She pointed out all sorts of translation flaws I hadn't noticed before. For example:

French toasts covered in icy sugar.

Brrr! Those toasts must be cold!

And my favourite description:

A balloon of fresh fruits napped with english cream.

Er... What, exactly, is a balloon of fruits? I looked everywhere on the menu but was unable to find anything even remotely resembling something one would see at a birthday party. In fact, the picture next to said description had a cup of fruit on it. Or maybe it was a bowl. But it certainly wasn't a balloon.

Also, how the hell does one 'nap' something with english cream? It's like they made up a new term. I understand that 'sick' can have different meanings. When I say 'that's sick' I mean 'Ew, that's really gross' or 'Hey, that thing really looks sick in the literal sense'. When a twelve-year-old says 'that's sick' they usually mean it's a good thing. 'Fat' and 'phat' are other examples. I'm both fat and phat, by the way. I'm also pretty fly for a white girl, which doesn't mean I've sprouted wings.

I have yet to understand how taking a snooze has anything to do with the use of english cream on fruit, but I can't find any other use for the verb. Maybe I'm behind the times and I'm not using it properly anymore.

Now that I've napped the blog with sarcasm, I'm going to bed.

I'm please to say I don't feel so thirty anymore. Taking my own advices is pretty cool.